Hey ladies, I posted this up on tumblr last night, and I know some of you already read it, but since I made mention of a bunch of you and Mraz Women in general, along with the very inspirational Jason Mraz, I wanted to put it up on here, too...
Figuring things out about myself.It sounds strange, but it really isn’t. I think right now, I’m at a really important phase of my life. That one where you figure so many things out, it can be either overwhelming or exciting. And I choose it to be exciting. When I was younger, I tended to follow the crowd. And I guess not really the crowd, more a certain group of girls who were the “popular ones.” I used to be a part of them, and regretfully this is so. I copied everything they did, from the clothes they wore to the music they listened to and I look back on it and think, “Wow, life must have really sucked then.” How could I have done that to myself is beyond me, but it is what it is, and now I can learn from it, so I’m grateful for that opportunity and I’m grateful to have found myself more and more over the years.
I started growing farther and farther apart from these girls and it was really because of so many reasons. While they wanted to be out in a party, I wanted to spend some time with my family (we’re really close). While they wanted to get the new Juicy Couture purse, I wanted to get a new Gameboy to play with my brothers. While they wanted to have a million play dates and sleepovers, I wanted to really concentrate on my schoolwork and study to impress all the teachers, proving to the world what I could do, all I could accomplish on my own. While they enjoyed bullying the people less social or less known than them, I wanted to stand up for those people. While they complained about their body image, wanting larger breasts and a smaller waist, I was perfectly content with my body and thought we were all beautiful. I tried to impose this onto them and perhaps convince them they were too, but they wouldn’t have any of it. While they were into Vogue, Seventeen, and Cosmo Girl, I wanted to be doing my homework assignments, putting in all my effort into that because that’s what mattered to me most at that moment. While they wanted to be at the mall buying out every single store, I wanted to be in the pool or beach. While they wanted to stand around in P.E. class and look at their nails and curl and flick their hair, I wanted to participate and GET ACTIVE AND PLAY WITH THE GUYS, hopefully show ‘em I was different.
It got worse. While they wanted to roll up their school shorts and skirts so high you could see the pockets, I kept mine at a normal length. While they wore bucket loads of makeup and splattered that goo all over their face at such a young age, I kept mine makeup free, all natural. While they constantly hounded me with questions, judging me for every single thing I said and did, I was struggling to lift my own spirits, afraid to go to anyone else. And that time in my life I really had no clue about who I was, where I was going, what I liked, what I disliked, and it makes you feel pretty helpless, much more easily influenced. I separated from them after I recognized these feelings.
Best move I ever made. Because when I see them now, all I see is a bunch of mindless girls who have so much potential. They could be so much better than what they are right now, and it makes me sad they didn’t take my path with me. It’s like they’re stuck in this imaginary vortex that doesn’t allow them to see the world as anything else except for behind the eyes of those mean little girls they were when they were younger.
Ya know, I have a story to tell you. To show you how mean they were…one day, two of them got together and decided to kick me out of “the group.” One of them invited me to her house and me, being the stupid, stupid kid I was, allowed her to influence me and convinced me to sing a bad song about the other girl. We both did it, but I sang the most. She was so into it and I felt so special because she was having fun with me and I feel “cool” for making her happy. I now know the real definition of “cool” is to be whoever the hell you wanna be. She secretly recorded the song and invited the other girl over to play it back. They confronted me at school on the playground and I was so, so crushed. I couldn’t believe it. We were friends for years, basically since birth. But I now know it was only really because the parents were friends. No worries, mom’s not friends with their parents anymore. Maybe that was supposed to happen? So I didn’t grow up to be like them.
Maybe that was a good thing to happen. To be separated from them the hard way, although I probably would’ve done it on my own, better sooner than later, I guess. I look at them now and while I see the pictures of them French kissing guys and posting them up on Facebook, holding up wine and beer bottles with a completely wasted look on their face, with that same dark makeup, with those heels higher, with those dresses shorter, pictures sleeping with guys, laughing at the straight F’s they get on their report cards while I get the straight A’s, cursing like maniacs, overusing the words “fuck” and “you” in a single sentence, I couldn’t be more happy with myself right now, this moment. And I think a really big factor that helped me figure out what this life is all about in the end is a few heroes of mine.
The first and biggest, being Jason Mraz, as many may already know. His music, his soothing words, his advice touched me so much and everything he said, I could relate with. And I mean, really, really relate with. I feel like I always had his incredible ideas constantly brewing up inside of me, but never really identified with them or knew how to fully and properly express them. I was also too afraid to take the chance. I was afraid of what people would think and how my “status” would change throughout the school. But Jason Mraz has made it cool to Be Love and Be Grateful. It’d be much too difficult to go through everything he’s taught me because we’d be here for awhile, but I think the biggest thing is just that, “There ain’t no rules to being cool” like he says in the WSWDWST DVD. It’s so simple, but I never really grasped it before hearing it from Jason. And that album, WSWDWST, it really talks about his self-discovery and how to live life to the fullest, not letting anything get in your way and bog you down, and I lived off that one CD for over a year. Nothing else. I learned all the songs. Broke down all the lyrics. Everything. And it’s helped like you couldn’t even imagine. I’m living so happy now and he’s made me feel like I really can do anything I want, like who I want, and figure out what I’m about. I’m such more of an aware person and the changes I’ve experienced over the last two years or so have been life changing, I know it.
The other hero is a teacher from last year who really, really helped me out, made me feel special. Both of them made me open my eyes to so many greater things to do with my life then sleep around and think your looks are everything. They’re really not.
I also need to thank Jam Regis for really opening her arms and allowing me into this amazing community of women over at MrazWomen.blogspot.com, and just allowing me to be her friend. My parents honestly never let me get a Facebook, but out of the blue one day, I decided to get a Twitter and I think Jam was one of the very first people who I could relate with, and made me feel really loved, especially with all that good advice she’s given me! I’m so grateful for you, and ever since I’ve been a part of Mraz Women, I felt like I was part of something really, really great. Not like that group of girls I associated with when I was blind to how to the world really worked. And I’m grateful for every single one them…Suzie, Christina D., Lisey E., Paula G., Dahlia L., Lucy F., Lesley M., Kayla K., Jessica R., Marissa M., May M., Stephanie D., Dana B. (whose tweets make me laugh like a crazy maniac), Nicole, and everyone else whose a part of it that I’m not mentioning. No hard feelings, it’s late, I’m tired. You guys have made me feel so special.
And now, I’m living really great because when someone asks me who my favorite artist is, for example, I can proudly say, “Jason Mraz.” When someone asks what my favorite clothing brand is, I can say, “Blend Apparel.” When someone asks who my favorite actor is, I can say, “Robert Downey Junior.” When someone asks me what my favorite show is, I say, “The Colbert Report.” And I know these are really silly things that everyone figures out as time goes by, but this is coming from the girl who answered every single fucking question with, “I dunno” because I was afraid of being judged for being myself. I hold my head up high and if you ask me anything, I’ll know the answer because I know who I am.
I’m Sasha. I’m not some mirror image of you, although I’m aspiring to have qualities like Jason Mraz because of how great a human being he is. I’m glad my role models aren’t slutty actresses, people who take drugs, and feel so “cool” for having sex with practically everything that moves. I’m glad they are you guys, everyone at Mraz Women and on Twitter who has constantly inspired me. I eternally thank you.
First official picture of me in 2011. I think it's fitting since I'm ready to try new things this year, and 01-01-11 was my first time riding The Hulk roller coaster. (I'm in the middle.)
