If there was something my closest family and friends know about me, it's the fact that I am an emotion explosion waiting to happen—I wear my heart on my sleeve and openly share with anyone what I can, sometimes unaware that I am exposing myself to loads of hurt. I am an eternal optimist who thinks all people are essentially good, and it is an (unhealthy) expectation of mine that in the end, all people will always choose to do the right thing, if not for themselves, for the people around them. Anyway, that was a short backgrounder on the Mraz Gal (much more will unfold the more I post here). One important fact: It is very easy for me to fall in love.
As someone who sees the bright side in all things, and in all people, that really isn't a surprise anymore. Small gestures tug at my heartstrings, what more the grander, bigger efforts, right? I do have high standards, but in the end, if you are a decent human being, if you are an okay guy, chances are, I may fall in love with you. As far as I can remember, I always have someone I hold in a special and high regard, may it be a friend, a professor, someone I met at a party, or even someone I met online.
I'd like to think of myself as liberal and game for anything that is remotely connected to love and the act of falling in love. This year, a year after I broke up with a boyfriend of almost four years (three of which were spent long distance), I opened my doors to the wonders of Online Dating. I've made a few connections with really cool guys, some of them I've opened up to quite freely, some of them I've put in the back of my head for now, since most of the men I've connected with are Americans and I have plans to move to the States in the future. I've always been Serious Relationship Girl, but given my bad luck with men (they always leave, I always give them multiple chances to come back), I tried being Casual Dating Gal. Since I've started online dating, I've made two strong connections with two different guys (who, ironically, share the same name): a guy who's in the US and a guy who's here right now but will be going back to the US soon. I won't go into detail about who these two men are (since they might chance upon this blog), but I will summarize them in short descriptions:
N1: Someone I have a lot in common with, but needs for me to be where he is to actually take me seriously. Someone I haven't talked to in a while since we're in different time zones and we keep chancing upon each other online at the worst possible times.
N2: Open Relationship Guy who's here for a while but will be going back to the US soon to resume his...open relationship. I am currently dating him on the premise that I am liberal enough to be okay with the idea that while he may fall for me (which I think he has), he loves someone else, too.
Both guys, I have strong feelings for. Both guys have helped me realize what I want in a romantic relationship. Both guys are "there for me"....but are not there for me in a way that I would like a guy to be—someone who would give me the kind of love that I deserve. N1 has made a stronger connection with someone else and has just told me that he would like to keep me as just a friend—never mind that I didn't even get a chance to really get to know him and date him for real when I get to the States and never mind that the girl whom he thinks is Possibly The One is also someone he met online. N2 says he loves me, but he loves his ex, too—never mind that my family seems to like him and that something has happened between us already and that he is leaving soon.
Right now I am confused. I know I can only feel strong emotions for someone to a certain level, given the way I met them and the amount of time I spent/am spending getting to know them. They say positive energy attracts positive energy, but based on what is happening to me now, I am attracting all sorts of energies that are far from positive. Am I wrong for pinning too much hope on the opposite sex? Am I stupid and naive for believing that by showing someone how much I can love, I can inspire the same love out of them as well? I absolutely have no idea. I have always thought of myself as a lover of love, life and everything and everyone in between that I keep getting entangled in situations with high drama. My romantic problems are never easy—they are mini-problems on steroids that always blow up into something catastrophic. I always fall in love and get abandoned. I always give chances while mine get taken away. I almost always get my heart broken, with each person taking a piece of it with them, leaving me with my own emotional scrap yard.
It's exhausting, waiting for That One Big Moment. My own love story that will put all fairy tales to shame. It's not easy being a person who's almost always falling in love.
Nonetheless, I am still hopeful that I will meet a great guy I deserve and who deserves me back. Someone who will RISE in love. With me. And I, with him. And even If It Kills Me, I will do what it takes to keep that hope alive, no matter how hard it becomes.
But the heart wants what it wants. And it is my cross to bear that mine wants you.
7 comments:
Jam this post was amazing<3 dont worry you will find you one one day<3
I am glad you think so. I am actually feeling very raw and fragile right now. I am feeling sad over all sorts of things, this is just one of them.
Im sorry to hear that, just keep your chin up things can only get better, & im always here for you <3
I believe love finds you when you least expect it. The moment you are no longer looking.
Not long after I said to myself "I'm good being just by myself" along came my future husband. I'd been friends with him for years and suddenly I saw him in a different light.... we believe we fell in love at the exact same time.
The moment I stopped looking. I couldn't be happier.
He's out there for you. Stop placing so much pressure on it. When the time is right.... he'll be there... wondering what took you so long. ;)
<3
Jam, I am so sure that there is a wonderful guy out there who deserves You--the real You, who is such a great gal. You WILL find the man of your dreams when the time is right. <333
I agree with what Amy said. The guy I'm currently seeing (we're in that weird not-just-friends but not-in-a-relationship phase) happened upon me by complete accident. I was caught up, pining away for someone else who wasn't reciprocating. I blinded myself to him, originally. And then, all of a sudden, I caught him looking at me (we work together) and something inside of me clicked.
I think that setting expectations can lead to disappointment. That doesn't mean that being an optimist is a bad thing, but I think there needs to be a balance between being optimistic and being realistic. Optimism can often turn into the Day Dream Syndrome where all these cotton-candy thoughts infiltrate and kick out logic. You can only set expectations for yourself, not other people. And, when it comes down to it, you just have to go with the flow as best you can, and try to stay afloat.
I believe that you'll find someone someday. And I think that it will be one of those moments were you suddenly realize why you had to go through all of the shit. Sometimes, I think we endure hardship so that we can recognize and appreciate the beauty and the wonderful. You'll find him. He's out there. And I'm sure he's thinking the same exact thing you are. :) You just have to be patient. <3
OMG I cannot believe I ONLY JUST READ your comments to my entry. Thanks for everyone's kind and hopeful words...you can count on me never running out of hope (if you need any, I'm more than willing to shower some on ya).
Thanks for what you said, May. I do have the tendency of being overly optimistic sometimes, but I am confident because I know I have a couple of friends (like you guys!) who are just there waiting to give me a reality check, if ever I don't come to it on my own (which is rare...I am pretty self-aware most of the time).
I've recently been told that we ought to be in charge of our own bliss and practice the art of detachment at all times...it helps us cope and helps us avoid real hurt when we don't get what we want or if the person we've held responsible for our happiness end up disappointing us. That way, when we do come across people who are fully in charge of their own bliss, and you combine forces, the amount and power of joy you two create is insurmountable. And I'm not just talking about romantic relationships, but relationships in general...with EVERYONE.
So yeah, day by day I try to take ownership of my own joy and give a piece of me to people who are willing to CREATE joy with me. You guys in? <3
Also, I'm trying to avoid using the phrase "falling in love". RISING in love sounds so much better. :)
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