Empty Cup

I don't know why I'm writing this blog or if I'll even choose to publish it. But it is something I've never shared with anyone. I'll start from the beginning. When I was 2 years old my parents divorced. But I never looked at that as a bad thing, because my parents getting divorced led to them getting remarried and I gained 4 sisters and a brother. My dad remarried when I was 4. My step mom pretty much raised me as her own, I even call her mom. I posted previously in my "how i found Jason" story that my dad and step mom divorced when I was 14. I was just getting ready to start high school. I was upset of course but i handled it. It wasn't until my senior year of high school, that the weight of my parents divorce fell on me. I really started to think about everything that had happened. I felt abandoned by my step mom. I thought her decision to leave was selfish, especially since my father had fallen into a weird depression and i was stuck raising my sisters. Back to my senior year, I was feeling alot of pressure and I finally cracked. I was failing out of high school and my parents never even noticed, and when they did notice they didn't care. This led me to do some pretty stupid things, almost as a cry for attention. I started smoking cigarettes & I experimented with drugs. Midway through my senior around prom season i started keeping a journal. Around this time I was really struggling with my weight. I hated myself and I wanted nothing more than to be thin AND i wanted someone to take me to prom. So I stopped eating, this lasted for about a month and my friends started noticing that wasn't eating lunch at school, so i started eating and throwing up after. But this got to be to much for me, i started to think if i eat I'm going to have to throw up and it got to the point where if i didn't i felt sick until i did, so again i stopped eating. At this point in time i was also cutting myself. basically i was going through alot and my parents still hadn't noticed. But one day i woke up and i thought this has to stop. and so it did. I released all of the negativity I was holding towards my parents. I realized that I couldn't expect anyone to care about me if i didn't care about myself. I realized that I was okay with my body and the way i looked and that I wasn't losing weight for me, i was losing weight for everyone else. August if that year I went to my 2nd Jason Mraz concert. I was having a blast dancing and singing, and then he began to play Love for a Child. this song never really struck a cord with me until that night. As soon as he started singing I started to cry. It was as if everything i had gone suddenly came rushing back with every note he sang. After that night I was done. I changed my attitude towards my life completely. That was also the night I chose to "be love". I came across that journal i mentioned a few days ago, along with the WSWDWST album with the acoustic EPs. I put the cd and began to read the journal.It was awful so full of hate and self loathing. Im glad to say that a year later i am in a much better place. I love my self and i love my life. I decided to share this story because today i noticed that i had skipped a song on the EP's album. It was Love for a Child. I closed my eyes and listened to the words and i remembered that when Jason was asked why he chose to share this song he said it was something that he needed to share. and this story for me is something that i needed to share, so i thank you all for reading this, and for caring. and i appologize for it being so scattered =P
With Love Marissa <3