Relationship 101 from the J-Man: What is a man and a woman

This isn't from the main J-Man this blog is dedicated to, but this particular post is huge thanks to Jason, my other half (isn't his name AWESOME? :P) who made me think of what I want in a relationship, what I want to become for him even If It Kills Me (see what I did there?).

Let me just share with you what we learned from each other just recently.  This is going to be long, but very inspiring I hope.  So sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. :)

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Hey Jam,

So I was listening to the Portishead song that you love, Glory Box, and I was getting more and more I think why you like it. I have gotten the sense from you that you want to play the role of the woman to a man, that you appreciate the differences between men and women, and embrace them. I think this is a big part of why we get along pretty well, because I tend to bristle at feminism taken too far. I agree totally with equal rights for women, but I disagree that we need to toss all gender roles out the window as a result.

On the other hand, I don't think that there are any set of gender roles that are set in stone for everyone. It is something that every couple should negotiate and determine on their own. How they will interact, what their responsibilities are... specifically the ones that differ between the man and the woman.

I think that at the heart of many unhappy relationships is a lack of agreement over what roles each party is playing, and what responsibilities they should be taking.  So there are things that we both expect from each other, and there are things that we want to provide that are perhaps unique... I want to talk about what I want to bring to you as a man. So I'm just going to go through and say what I think a man is, off the top of my head. There will probably be some missing.

What is a Man?

- A man is a leader. Whether or not a leader of other men, more importantly, he leads his family to prosperity and happiness, as best as he can. He takes responsibility for failures, and brings the benefits of success to everyone. He soldiers on even when it gets tough, even if he has to sacrifice some personal wants.

- A man is strong. Physically and mentally. Strong enough to make his woman feel it when he embraces her, and let her know that he won't ever let bodily harm come to her, as long as he's still breathing. Strong enough to call out anyone who says a negative word about his family. Strong enough to resist the temptations of those that seek to break up the bonds of his life, through seduction, whether it be sexual, monetary, or otherwise.

- A man takes care of himself. He looks and smells good for his woman, so she never stops desiring him. He is always improving and growing, so as to face the world stronger each day. He has the guts to take time for himself, when it is needed.

- A man is straightforward. He explains or shows clearly what he wants and expects. He doesn't lie. He doesn't act passive-aggressively. He doesn't apologize for his needs.

This is just a start. What do you think about these? What more can you come up with? And then, once you've thought about that...

What is a Woman?

Love,
Your Man,
Jason

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Oh, hey love!

While I type this, I play songs from the J-Team playlist. It's very appropriate mood music, because these are the songs that speak to me most about the story between you and me, the most important story that I am watching unfold before my eyes...and I am liking what I see.

Since I was old enough to know that a relationship involved me "liking" a boy, I knew that I had a role to play. Of course back then, I had a purer, more childlike idea of what a relationship is—to be a good girlfriend, I should know a thing or two about NBA, knew how to play sports, knew how to stick up for myself and my friends, be cute, smart and be someone boys wanted to hang out with. I knew there were differences between boys and girls, and to me, early on, those differences were there for me to beat. Because to be well liked, I needed to be one of the boys. Gender roles held no real meaning for me because I grew up being told that you can be whatever you want to be, and all that jazz.

Of course things changed when I started growing up. I became more serious with my education, I frequently got sermons from my facilitator parents, I watched more movies, read more books, met more people. I'm not sure when I became a feminist (or at least a tame version of it), but it was only natural for me to take on that role in life because I wanted to be my own person, and in those times, women who were empowered were my example. So yeah, I wanted to be an astronaut, an architect, a doctor, a soldier, have jobs that I connected to the opposite gender. Back then, I believed that by being independent, I am making myself more desirable for the men because of the challenge.

It got a little bit blurry when I started meeting different guys. Some wanted girlfriends who were simple, who wore plain dresses, grew their hair long and wore no makeup. Some wanted girlfriends who had spunky short hair and the self confidence to talk to a large crowd. Some wanted girlfriends who would compliment them incessantly and who knew how to listen. Some wanted girlfriends who took charge of every situation and started every conversation. Some wanted conventional. Traditional. Different. Spontaneous. Crazy. Adventurous. Grounded. Dreamer. All this got me to three conclusions: 1. Men and women will always be different, 2. people want different things from different people, and 3. the easiest way to be happy in a relationship is to stop fulfilling many roles and just maintain one and hope to God that the person would love it: yourself.

In a question in OKCupid, if I remember correctly, I answered that gender roles are going through a refreshing redefinition. Sure they still exist and there are still a lot of by-the-book people who stand by it to avoid conflict, but my understanding of "refreshing redefinition" is precisely what you said: there are any set of gender roles that are set in stone for everyone, it is something that every couple should negotiate and determine on their own. Each relationship is custom-built.

The biggest influence I have on my views of what a relationship ought to be is that of my parents, and to be quite honest, it's something that I don't want for me and my future partner. Yes, they've managed to stick by each other 40 years and they put up with A LOT of crap to get there. If there is anything from their relationship that I would like to take with me, it is their ability to suck it up and take it whenever obstacles came, whatever they may be. What people see as settling for something less than what they want, I see as acceptance and the ability to adjust and agree to a compromise to be with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. I know what I want, I know what I am capable of doing and I know my limits. All that considered, I still have the desire to modify all that if need be just to make a relationship work. Relationship IS work.

But not all work. It should also be fun and exciting and somehow always new. Like I told you, my dad tells me that friendship is the highest form of relationship and that any relationship founded on that is on the unbreakable side. I see my sister Rizzo and her husband Anton: although they have an unconventional marriage where my sister is the main breadwinner and Anton is the houseband, their humble beginnings can be traced back to the time when they were both team captains of a coed dragonboat rowing team...they were teammates, they were friends. Same for my brother Tjader and his wife Ria. They rode motorcycles together. They played video games together. They are still married and still in love.

I think by making friendship the root of everything, it makes it easier to like the person you are with...and even easier to love them after that. It makes treating each other with fairness, kindness, and honesty an automatic response.

Like I told you, I believe that expectations tend to ruin relationships, but they are inevitable and they will always be there, so the best thing to do is to learn how to manage them with your partner so you can both have a how-to guide in case things get more challenging. I have read your contribution to the How To Make The J-Team The Best Relationship It Can Become manual, and I would like to tell you how reading it made me feel before I get into my contribution.

I am pushing the horse and its cart out of my mind for this one, because I want you to know THE TRUTH FOR ME without worrying about scaring you, or getting ahead of myself, or making hasty generalizations. This isn't a hasty generalization...this is me knowing what kind of partner I want and this is me telling you that if this is the type of man that you plan to be for me, then you are the type of man I want to spend the rest of my life with, definitely. You are the type of man I want to be married to and grow old with. You are the type of father I want my future kids to have. Your definition of what a man is ought to be put in a book and be distributed to all men. If you are able to make this list and are able to give it justice...wow, I think I can claim to be the luckiest woman on Earth and have it be true.

Having said that, here are a few examples of what I think a woman is...the things I am 100% willing to become for you...

- A woman is a motivator. She is a source of encouragement for all the people in her life, and she leads by making her own life an example to follow, by practicing what she preaches. She is a source of inspiration for her partner. She finds joy in everything and knows how to laugh and have fun. She knows how to keep herself happy because by being happy on her own, she knows she can infect others with it. She provides all forms of care and support wherever and whenever they are needed. She takes every opportunity to let her man know how important he is to her, and what she is willing to do and become to make their relationship stronger.

- A woman is responsible for her own emotions and actions. She takes full responsibility for her mistakes and takes the necessary action to make it right. She makes it a point to see all sides to a certain situation, and she makes it a point to always find the bright side in all things. She accepts the hardships of reality and powers through them no matter how daunting things get. She is open-mined, ready for change, and knows the importance of compromise. She is patient and loving and kind and generous with herself. She is genuine. She is loyal. She is faithful. She is honest.

- A woman is driven by her desire to be a better version of herself every day. She is smart and is always willing to learn and listen, willing to teach. She is comfortable in her own skin. She is open for improvement in all aspects. She accepts her strengths and weaknesses and uses them all to her (and her partner's) advantage. She has the guts to be herself and take control of her own life. She does not apologize for her wants and needs. She will do what it takes to fight for her beliefs, her principles, her decisions, and her relationships. She is independent, but she also knows what it means to be part of a unit, a team. She makes it a point to listen to her man so that she can be a better partner for him, keep herself desirable for him and only him.

What makes a good partner?
A woman who doesn't nag, who is not overly jealous, who is sensitive to her man's needs. A woman who has the capacity to nurture and take care of herself, her man, her family, and everything else. A woman who takes pleasure in the simplest things, even the smallest gestures. A woman who pays attention.

Yeah okay, ending for now, but knowing me, this will get longer as days go by. Do let me know how these make you feel and what you think about them. If you have anything to add, let me know and I'll work on it. :-D

Love always,
Your Woman,
Jam

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Thoughts?  The comments part of the program is now open. ♥

He gets here in 20 days. I cannot wait!